Is This Normal? 8 Signs a Relationship Is Costing You Too Much
Short answer: Every relationship has rough patches. A relationship is costing you too much when the hard parts form a pattern: you feel smaller, more anxious or more confused over time, and raising a concern makes things worse instead of better.
If you keep asking yourself "Is this normal?", that question matters. In more than 25 years of research and education, including thousands of interviews, I've found that people rarely ask this question about relationships that feel good.
This applies to any close relationship: a partner, a parent, a sibling, a friend, even a coworker or boss. Here are eight signs worth taking seriously.
1. You rehearse what you're going to say
Everyone chooses their words carefully sometimes. But if you regularly practice conversations in your head so you won't upset someone, you've started managing their reactions instead of simply talking to them.
2. You leave feeling drained, smaller or confused
Notice how you feel after time together. An occasional hard conversation is normal. Consistently walking away feeling worse about yourself is information.
3. Your concerns get turned around
You raise something that hurt you, and somehow the conversation ends up being about what you did wrong. When this happens again and again, the problem never gets addressed, and you learn to stop raising it.
4. Their warmth comes and goes
Some days they're loving and attentive. Other days they're cold or critical, and you can't predict which version you'll get. This uncertainty is one of the hardest patterns to walk away from, because the good days keep you hoping.
5. You make excuses for them
"They're under a lot of stress." "That's just how they are." If you find yourself explaining their behavior to friends and family, ask yourself whether you'd accept those explanations if a friend were describing the same thing.
6. You see less of the people you care about
Isolation rarely happens all at once. It usually happens a little at a time: an eye-roll about a friend, a scene before a family visit, a sense that it's easier not to go. Over months, your world gets smaller.
7. You doubt your own memory
You were sure something was said or done, but they insist it wasn't, and you start to wonder whether you're remembering correctly. Healthy relationships can include disagreements about what happened. They don't leave you regularly distrusting your own mind.
8. Broken promises are followed by the same thing again
An apology and a promise to change, then the same behavior, then another apology. One broken promise is human. A cycle of them is a pattern.
Why it's so hard to see clearly
If you've ever thought "I should have seen this sooner," please hear this: that isn't a character flaw. Kind labels hide difficult behavior. Jealousy gets called love. Control gets called protectiveness. At work, contempt gets called "just being honest." And when someone is warm one day and cold the next, the uncertainty keeps us hoping and trying harder. Other people around you may discourage you from acting on what you feel, reinterpreting the hurtful behavior so you become willing to excuse it and accept it.
Clarity rarely comes from thinking harder. It comes from looking at the pattern from the outside.
What to do next
Start with the free checklist. 7 Early Warning Signs Most People Explain Away takes two minutes, and nobody sees your answers but you. Get the Free Checklist →
Ready for the full picture? My Clarity Tools are private, self-scored and yours to keep. They help you see what's happening, understand what it means, and get knowledgeable guidance as you decide what you should do next.
Having issues with:
A partner, friend or family member → Love Me, Love Me Not?™
Something feels wrong, but you can't name it → Why Do I Feel So Bad?™
The problem is at work → Does This Work?™
You recognize signs of control or manipulation. You regularly experience fear or punishment (the punishment can be emotional, financial, practical, or even physical) → Unmasking the Abuser™
— Dr. Dina McMillan
This article is educational, not therapy or a diagnosis. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. In the U.S., the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Before you search or call, check whether someone can see your phone or browsing history.
